today I looked in the mirror and said to myself,
“you’re going to die in about 30 years.”
then I burst into tears.
I looked some more and said,
“so many people, so much love. it hasn’t been a bad life.”
and cried some more, but smiled through my tears…
because love makes life worth death.
Posted in: online life, reflection
ismailnooraddini
April 25, 2012
This is a subject very near to my heart. Im not afraid of death as I am the passage of time and change. Because im afraid of change, and death is a part of change, therefore I partially fear death. Not for any particular reason other than losing my dad. My dad is my hero, and heros are generally omnipotent. To see my dad age would imply he is mortal and thus susceptible to death. I look at him and always have an image of when he was 20…30…40, and now that hes almost 60 I know his time is coming soon. I like to think its in the far off distance… when im married with children. Regardless thats not very far away and soon will be his time. So im afraid of death, not because I will pass but because my dad will.
ismailnooraddini
April 25, 2012
Oh why dont I want him to die? Because ill be alone. I dont wanna acknowledge that ill be alone.I mean right now i can kinda theoretically play with it. But I dont wanna be smacked in the face with it.
savasavasava
April 25, 2012
thanks so much for sharing this, Ismail. I hear you… I felt the same way about my parents – less because they were/are my heroes, but more because we don’t think of our parents as ever not being there. until my mother died. that event changed the way I look at and think of life and death in very profound ways – some of which I am still not aware of.
there are so many differences in thinking of death intellectually, practically, and personally. and then there is facing death.
you are younger than I am, your thoughts on the matter will evolve (as will mine) and hopefully we can come to a place of acceptance in terms of the death of the ones we loved, and our own death. weird that such an inevitable occurrence is so rarely dealt with directly in our lives, no?
jabiz
April 27, 2012
Love this line: “Love makes life worth death.”
Pretty sure I have shared this before, but it is my go to post when dealing with death, It need not be so scary:
http://intrepidflame.blogspot.com/2010/11/kitty-is-flower.html
savasavasava
April 27, 2012
thank you, Jabiz, for your comment, and for sharing your post. I’m tearing up when I should be prepping for class that I’m teaching in 30 minutes =)
death is so… amazing. in so many ways. it is such a part of life, yet we are so afraid of it. but, like you note, I think we are more afraid of the things surrounding “death” that we are of death itself.
you’re a kindred spirit in this world that I am glad to have connected with. and your daughters are hella lucky.
jabiz
April 28, 2012
Thank you. I feel the same way. I have never really faced death with anyone close to me, so I may be all talk, but I don’t really fear it. For myself for sure, I can go at anytime and be okay, as for the people close to me I have to wait and see.
The universe is too big and too old, for us to think death matters in any long term sense.
Bon
April 27, 2012
the idea that it ends and must end…is both the thing that inspires me to live well, and the hardest thing to reconcile with living itself. i’ve been trying to put it into words for years.
i like yours here.
savasavasava
April 27, 2012
thanks, Bon! I am honored that you stopped by, and more honored that my random musings had an effect on you =)
I don’t think we talk about death in positive healthy ways as much as we do in morbid and scary ways…
<3